rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
