i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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