you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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