Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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