Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
