dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
