This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
