Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
