He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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