no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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