Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
