cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
