Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
