Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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