my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
