so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
The best revenge is premature balding
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
