I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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