Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
