and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Im part way to drunk.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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