Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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