my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
