I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Randomize
