If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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