he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
