If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
