just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
