If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
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