Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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