Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
