a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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