At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
