we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
