i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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