Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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