every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
