Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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