I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
