I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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