Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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