I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
