Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
