it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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