and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
