I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
