I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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