I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
