I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
