I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
