she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
either way he was missing a nipple.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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