i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
