I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
